The Buttons
by GoodyAce
Summary: Jerry loses a warm friend while Elaine gets her buttons pressed. Kramer starts sleuthing and George might be shedding.


SEINFELD

THE BUTTONS

By:Josh Fagan

INT. GEORGE'S CAR. DAY

(GEORGE is driving and eating a piece of toast. The car is stopped at a red light. GEORGE lowers the visor to examine himself in the small makeup mirror)

JERRY

Bad hair day?

GEORGE

I got it cut this morning.She used mousse. I think some of it got in my ear.

JERRY

The hair or the mousse?

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

...Got in your ear? The hair or the mousse?

GEORGE

How would the hair get in my ear? The hair's on the floor.

JERRY

Let me ask you something. What do you pay for a haircut?

GEORGE

What do you mean what do I pay? What do you pay? The same thing.

JERRY

You don't get a discount?

GEORGE

No.

JERRY

Well that doesn't seem fair. It's, like, half the work.You should at least get something off.

GEORGE

Not fair. Huh. I'll add it to the list.

You go to the carwash. You think the guy in the Volkswagen's getting out cheaper than the guy in the Buick?

JERRY

That's right. Proportionate pricing. You pay more for a bigger apartment. More for a bigger steak. More for a bigger boat. Why not a haircut. Look at this. It's like 1/3 of the work.

GEORGE

All right. Enough with the fractions.

JERRY

You're going to love this place. They've got the best egg-rolls in the city. The best! They ship them out all over the world. Even to China. Chinese people are sending away for these egg rolls. That's how good they are.

GEORGE

Why do you have to do that? Why do you have to build it up? I don't have a good history with build-ups. In my experience, there's always a letdown. You know that everything good ends badly? Huh, you ever thought of that? Sex. I never hate myself more than after...I go in with such high hopes.

JERRY

Like the ant with the rubber tree plant.

GEORGE

It's all disappointment.

JERRY

For her or you?

GEORGE

OK.

JERRY

The best! You'll love it!

GEORGE

We'll see. Love. You know,the last thing I loved was some butter I think I left out a little too long. It's a good thing it was a long weekend.

JERRY

Salted, or unsalted?

GEORGE

Unsalted.

JERRY

Well...

GEORGE

Hey, when do you consider bread's been toasted?

JERRY

I think you're looking for the first sign of a crust.

(GEORGE is now examining a piece of toast)

GEORGE

I don't see a crust.

JERRY

It's really more of a feel.

GEORGE

I don't feel it.

JERRY

You're trying to gauge toastedness now?

GEORGE

Gauge? (Pronounced like "gauze," with the "gaw" sound) Isn't it gage? (Pronounced like "gate," with the"ay" sound)

JERRY

I don't know.

GEORGE

I don't think there's a crust.

JERRY

Well what are you gonna do? Why are you eating anyway, we're almost there?

GEORGE

I have to prep myself. You know what happens when you go into a meal on an empty stomach? One bread-stick...done! That's it.

(GEORGE opens the window and throws the bread out of the moving car)

JERRY

What are you doing?

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

You can't just throw your trash out the window.

GEORGE

It's biodegradable!

JERRY

Yeah, but this is 5th Avenue, not a compost heap.

GEORGE

What was I supposed to do? Tuck it under the seat for later?

JERRY

How about eating it?

GEORGE

It wasn't toasted.

JERRY

So?

GEORGE

So I wanted toast. That wasn't toast. It was bread.

JERRY

What do you think toast is?

GEORGE

Hey! Toast is not bread! OK! Once it passes that toast threshold it's transformed. Like a butterfly.

JERRY

So it goes into a little cocoon, sprouts little toast wings and flies away.

GEORGE

On wings of melba.

JERRY

It's not toast...

GEORGE

It's the small things that get me. You know. Like the big things, they get me too. But it's the small things that really bug me.

JERRY

The straw that broke the camel's back.

GEORGE

I've got like a haystack on there.

JERRY

All right. It's right up here.

GEORGE

Look at this license plate. UFUL1. UFUL1. What is that supposed to mean?

JERRY

I don't know.

GEORGE

UFUL.

JERRY

I don't know what it means.

GEORGE

You full? You full one? Are you full?

JERRY

I don't know.

GEORGE

Uff. Uff. Uff, you'll one. Uff, you lie.

JERRY

What's uff?

GEORGE

Uff? Uff. Uff is uff.

JERRY

Uff is uff.

GEORGE

Where am I going here?

JERRY

It's right up there. Make a right.

GEORGE

Where?

JERRY

Here. On the right.

GEORGE

I have to tell you, I'm not impressed.

JERRY

You haven't even been inside yet.

GEORGE

But my first impression.

JERRY

It's a restaurant, not a loan application.

GEORGE

Are you questioning my impressionability.

JERRY

Do you make good impressions?

(GEORGE pulls the car over)

INT. RESTAURANT

GEORGE and JERRY are seated at a table. GEORGE is gorging himself in traditional GEORGE fashion

GEORGE

This is delicious.

JERRY

I told you.

GEORGE

The texture.

JERRY

Good texture.

GEORGE

Great texture.

JERRY

Well that's what you want in a spare-rib.

GEORGE

You know usually I don't like the flat noodles. They're too...you know. But I like these. I really do.

JERRY

Hey, you've made my day.

GEORGE

Alright. Enough with the sarcasm.

JERRY

Are you almost finished?

GEORGE

Give me a minute.

JERRY

We've been here for two hours.

GEORGE

It's all you can eat.

JERRY

You're right. If it were all you "should" eat, we'd have been gone 45 minutes ago.

GEORGE

Hey. You brought me here. This was your place.

JERRY

I know. But you're like a bottomless pit.

(SUE, the waitress, walks by the table)

GEORGE

Excuse me. Could I get another glass of water?

(SUE pours GEORGE the glass of water)

GEORGE

Thank you.

JERRY

Could we get the cheque please?

SUE

You finished?

GEORGE

No. No.

JERRY

Yes. Yes.

SUE

Alright. I bring cheque.

GEORGE

And another plate of this.

SUE

I bring cheque and chow mein.

JERRY

Haven't you had enough?

GEORGE

It's good.

JERRY

I'm going to have to roll you out of here, aren't I?

(GEORGE reels back from his plate in disgust)

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

A hair!

(GEORGE pulls a long hair out of the plate)

JERRY

So what?

GEORGE

So what!

JERRY

It's just a hair. If a body part or appendage is going to be in my food, I want it to be from the head.

GEORGE

That's not the point! It's disgusting. It's unsanitary.

JERRY

So are you, but I don't complain.

(WAITRESS returns)

SUE

Here you go. Cheque and chow mein.

GEORGE

Excuse me. I found this in the rice.

(GEORGE holds up the hair)

SUE

Yeah?

GEORGE

Yeah!

SUE

So?

GEORGE

So!

SUE

It's a hair.

GEORGE

I know it's a hair. Whose hair is it?

SUE

Maybe it your hair.

GEORGE

My hair!

JERRY

Hey, maybe she's right.

GEORGE

Look at this thing!

(GEORGE holds up the really long hair)

SUE

Yeah, your hair.

(GEORGE points to his bald head)

GEORGE

You're saying this is my hair?

SUE

From the back.

GEORGE

It's my hair from the back? What back? My back!

JERRY

From the back of your head.

GEORGE

What are you going to do for us?

JERRY

No...

GEORGE

Give us fifty percent off.

SUE

What?

GEORGE

Fifty percent off.

JERRY

I'll pay.

GEORGE

No. It's the principle. A hair in your food is fifty percent off.

JERRY

Is that part of the cheap bastard credo?

GEORGE

It's in the constitution.

SUE

No fifty percent.

GEORGE

All right. Get the manager.

SUE

He in the back.

GEORGE

Well bring him out.

(SUE exits to find the manager. GEORGE hastily gets up and puts on his coat)

JERRY

What are you doing?

GEORGE

Come on.

(GEORGE gets up and grabs his coat)

JERRY

You're leaving?

GEORGE

Here.

(GEORGE throws some money down onto the table)

JERRY

What is that?

GEORGE

It's half of what we owe.

JERRY

Why don't you just wait for the manager.

GEORGE

The manager? What's he gonna do?

JERRY

Well why did you ask to see him?

GEORGE

To give us a chance to leave.

JERRY

I don't like this.

GEORGE

Come on. Be a man.

JERRY

I am a man. An unwanted man.

GEORGE

Hey. Hair equals fifty percent. Everyone knows that.

(GEORGE scurries out of the restaurant)

JERRY

Ohh...

(JERRY leaves right behind him)

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY is sitting at the table with a radio right by his shoulder. He has the remote control in his hand and is flipping to different news stations.

Enter KRAMER

KRAMER

Hey Jerry, where's your paprika?

JERRY

Shh! I'm trying to listen!

KRAMER

What?

JERRY

The news.

KRAMER

What's going on? Did somebody get shot?

JERRY

No.

KRAMER

What's going on?

JERRY

Forget it.

(JERRY turns the radio off)

KRAMER

No. No. I can feel it. There's a tension here. Something unspoken. It's hanging around.

JERRY

There's nothing going on. Why are you always so suspicious?

KRAMER

My father was a private detective.

JERRY

And that got passed down through the genes?

KRAMER

The urge to detect is strong. It can work its way in there.

JERRY

Yeah. I understand Mendel mentioned something about fingerprinting.

Enter ELAINE with an armful of laundry. She drops the load onto JERRY'S table.

ELAINE

Here you go. Thanks a lot.

KRAMER touches one of the shirts

KRAMER

Hot!

ELAINE

Are we even?

JERRY

Even.

(KRAMER smells one of the shirts)

KRAMER

What kind of fabric softener you use?

ELAINE

I didn't use any fabric softener.

KRAMER

You didn't?

ELAINE

No.

(KRAMER moves up to examine ELAINE)

KRAMER

You didn't use any fabric softener?

ELAINE

No.

KRAMER

Jerry. Smell this.

JERRY

Please leave me out of this.

KRAMER

No. Smell this.

JERRY

It smells very nice, I'm sure.

KRAMER

You don't get that smell without fabric softener. Do you?

ELAINE

It's a new detergent.

KRAMER

Let me see the box.

ELAINE

I don't have the box.

KRAMER

Where is it?

ELAINE

Kramer!

KRAMER

No! I'm getting to the bottom of this.

ELAINE

I threw it out. It's down in the laundry room.

KRAMER

Oh, we'll see about that.

(KRAMER exits)

ELAINE

I don't know how you do it.

JERRY

One day at a time.

ELAINE

So we're even. Really?

JERRY

Yeah, yeah, we're even.

ELAINE

I hate doing other people's laundry. Touching their dirty clothes.

JERRY

Oh, these weren't that dirty.

ELAINE

How do you know?

JERRY

Because they're my clothes.

ELAINE

Maybe they didn't look dirty. But they were dirty.

JERRY

Did you see any dirt?

ELAINE

No.

JERRY

So how do you know they were dirty?

ELAINE

You wore them, didn't you?

JERRY

Yeah.

ELAINE

Then they were dirty.

JERRY

Oh, so we're talking microscopic level.

ELAINE

Yes. Microscopic level. Dirt molecules. Dirt...amoebas.

JERRY

Well then I can understand.

ELAINE

You know who I saw down there? Doing her laundry. Remember Carlton Place? Where I used to live.

JERRY

Sure. The jewel thief.

ELAINE

I saw the elevator operator.

JERRY

Did you say hello?

ELAINE

Of course I said hello.

JERRY

How's he doing?

ELAINE

How's "she" doing.

JERRY

Funny, I always think of that as a man's job. I've never seen a female elevator operator.

ELAINE

Shirley McLaine. In The Apartment.

JERRY

Yes, Shirley McLaine. Great movie.

You know elevator operators have always bothered me. What kind of world do we live in where people can't even push their own button?

ELAINE

I don't know. Anyway, we got to talking. She invited me for coffee.

JERRY

Coffee with the elevator operator. Should be nice.

(All this time JERRY has been folding his clothes. He has finished and he starts looking around for something)

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

My blue sweatshirt.

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

It's not here.

ELAINE

Well did you put it in the bag?

JERRY

Yeah. It was in the bag. I gave it to you.

ELAINE

Well I don't remember a blue sweatshirt.

JERRY

You memorized my laundry?

ELAINE

I would remember a blue sweatshirt.

JERRY

Because it's such a unique colour?

ELAINE

Well if it was in there, I washed it.

JERRY

Well it's not here.

ELAINE

Then it wasn't there.

(KRAMER enters carrying a box of detergent in his hands)

KRAMER

I knew it. It's fabric softener AND detergent. It's a 2-in-1 Jerry. A 2-in-1.

(KRAMER surveys the situation)

KRAMER

What's going on?

JERRY

Nothing. I can't find my blue sweatshirt.

KRAMER

No!

ELAINE

I didn't lose it!

KRAMER

All right. What happened here?

JERRY

I gave it to her to wash and she lost it.

ELAINE

He never gave it to me.

JERRY

Didn't you check the machine after you were done?

ELAINE

No, I like to do my laundry blindfolded.

KRAMER

Calm down. All right. Now I'll get to the bottom of this. Elaine, you say he never gave you the shirt?

ELAINE

Yeah.

KRAMER

Jerry. You're saying you gave her the shirt?

JERRY

Well it's not here.

KRAMER

This is gonna be a tough one.

ELAINE

I've got to go.

JERRY

Thanks...for nothing!

(Exit ELAINE. Jerry turns around and KRAMER is pulling up couch cushions)

JERRY

What are you doing?

KRAMER

Don't worry buddy, I'm on the case.

INT. COFFEE SHOP

(GEORGE and JERRY are sitting at the usual booth. Both are acting very nervous and supsicious-like)

GEORGE

So did you hear anything?

JERRY

No. Did you?

GEORGE

No. I think we're in the clear.

JERRY

I knew this was a bad idea.

GEORGE

Bad idea? I said we're in the clear.

JERRY

Yeah?

GEORGE

What are they gonna do, pull a sting on us?

JERRY

I don't know.

GEORGE

I'm telling you, we did the right thing. That hair really ruined my meal.

JERRY

Luckily you'd already eaten.

GEORGE

Very funny.

(Enter WAITRESS with a bowl of soup for GEORGE and a sandwich for JERRY. GEORGE tastes the soup and recoils)

GEORGE

Hot!

JERRY

So?

GEORGE

I can't eat this. Give me your glass.

JERRY

What do you want with my glass?

GEORGE

Ice.

JERRY

Use your own.

GEORGE

But I like ice.

JERRY

So do I.

GEORGE

Alright. I'll blow.

(GEORGE starts blowing on his soup to cool it. He starts eating)

JERRY

It's cold in here.

GEORGE

So why don't you wear a sweatshirt?

JERRY

Thank you!

(GEORGE bolts upright in his seat)

GEORGE

I love you!

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

I-Love-You. That's it.

JERRY

What the hell are you talking about?

GEORGE

That license plate. It's been killing me all day. UFUL1. It's backwards. One-Luf-U. I-luf-you. I love you.

JERRY

Yeah, but it's not one love you. It's I love you.

GEORGE

The 1 is the I.

JERRY

No it's not. It's a 1.

GEORGE

A 1 can be an I!

What's this?

(GEORGE pulls a long hair out of his soup)

JERRY

Well what do you know.

GEORGE

What is this, an epidemic?

JERRY

It looks the same as the other one.

GEORGE

It's a hair. It looks like a hair.

JERRY

It's the same color.

GEORGE

How can you tell? It's got pea soup all over it.

(WAITRESS walks by the table)

GEORGE

Excuse me. I just found this in my soup.

WAITRESS

Yeah?

GEORGE

Yeah? Look at this thing. I could re-string a tennis racquet.

WAITRESS

Well then maybe you should try wearing a hat.

GEORGE

What are you talking about.

(The WAITRESS pulls GEORGE'S head down and points at it to JERRY. She pulls a long hair off of GEORGE'S head and holds it up)

GEORGE

What is that? Is it a plant? Did she plant it!

JERRY

Lean over for a second.

(GEORGE leans over. JERRY studies his head)

GEORGE

What? Is there growth? Is there growth?

JERRY

Stay still.

(JERRY pulls another long hair from GEORGE'S head. When GEORGE sits straight again he has pea soup all over his shirt)

GEORGE

Oh. Look at this!

JERRY

No. Look at this!

(JERRY produces the hair)

WAITRESS

All right?

GEORGE

Where'd you get that?

JERRY

On your head.

(GEORGE picks up the paper towel dispenser and looks at his reflection in the metal)

JERRY

Wait a second. Didn't you tell me you had a haircut this morning?

GEORGE

Yeah.

JERRY

Did you fall off the chair, or something?

GEORGE

No. No. But the girl who cut it had long, black hair. Just like this...

JERRY

So it wasn't the Chinese restaurant.

GEORGE

I guess not.

JERRY

You know, knowing you is like riding one of those really old, wooden roller coasters. You know the ones that haven't been checked in like, 60 years? You never know when the wheels are gonna come off and the whole thing goes right over the side.

(GEORGE gets up to leave)

JERRY

Where are you going?

GEORGE

I'm shedding here! You wanna eat with me? I'm like a shag rug.

JERRY

Hey!

(JERRY holds up another cheque that GEORGE has neglected to pay. Enter KRAMER. He sits down in the booth with JERRY that GEORGE has just left)

KRAMER

Good news.

JERRY

You found the sweater?

KRAMER

No.

JERRY

So what's the good news?

KRAMER

What?

JERRY

You said "good news."

KRAMER

I know.

JERRY

Well it's not a greeting.

KRAMER

What are you talking about? Hello. Good news. It's the same thing.

JERRY

Forget it.

(KRAMER starts eating GEORGE'S soup)

KRAMER

I think I might've found something.

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

Well it's small. It's small. But it's a trail. It was the 2-in-1. That's what sparked me, you know. You know what they use in jail? 2-in-1!

JERRY

Even with the orange and the black and white stripes?

KRAMER

It's colour fast!

JERRY

Prison laundry. What is that? Twice a week? Three times?

KRAMER

3? No. Once a week.

JERRY

Once a week? No. That's terrible.

KRAMER

No honest person would ever use a 2-in-1. It's lazy. It's unprofessional. I would never pull a job like that.

JERRY

Is that what you came here to tell me?

KRAMER

I thought you'd want me to keep you updated.

JERRY

I do. When something happens you can tell me.

KRAMER

Oh. Well, all right. And, yeah, you can slide the cheque under my door.

JERRY

What cheque?

KRAMER

You know what? Make it cash.

JERRY

You want me to pay you?

KRAMER

Cash plus expenses. What! It's a standard deal. I've got a meeting today with a snitch. Could pay off big time. I'm gonna need something to grease his wheels though.

(KRAMER stops eating and pulls a long hair out of his mouth)

KRAMER

This could be a clue.

INT. COFFEE SHOP (NOT MONKS)

(ELAINE is sitting at a table with HELEN, the elevator operator from her old building)

HELEN

So who came in but Lionel Barrymore! Four floors! I pretended I couldn't get the cage open.

ELAINE

I heard he was a drinker.

HELEN

All hands. Ripped a button right off my uniform.

ELAINE

Wow.

HELEN

Those were the days. Now you've got escalators. People are taking the stairs more. It isn't like it used to be.

ELAINE

No. Not like it used to be. Higher heels.

HELEN

I've got to tell you Elaine. I don't miss it. You know why I left? Why I stopped working at Carlton place? I got tired of pushing those damn buttons. I mean, what kind of world do we live in where people can't even push their own buttons.

ELAINE

Yeah, it's just one giant toilet bowl.

HELEN

Well one day Dr. Leonard comes in. Remember him. With that license plate. "ONEDR". With the number 1. He was some fancy optometrist.

ELAINE

Opthamologist.

HELEN

It was a 1, not an I.

Well he tells me 12th floor, like always. And I just snapped.

ELAINE

What did you do?

HELEN

Oh...

ELAINE

Wait a second! The eye-patch. I remember right after you left he had this big eye-patch. He told everyone he got shaving cream in there.

(HELEN holds up her index finger to show ELAINE that she, in fact, was the one who poked MR. LEONARD in the eye)

HELEN

I'll tell you something else. Never. I will never press another button for someone ever again.

ELAINE

Well I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.

HELEN

Right in the "1."

(HELEN draws out the numeral "1" in the air, of course meaning "I." Or "Eye" if you will)

ELAINE

(Nervous laughter)

HELEN

It's so cold in here.

ELAINE

Yeah. It's draughty.

(HELEN goes into a shopping bag and pulls out a worn blue sweatshirt. ELAINE does a double-take as she realizes this is JERRY'S missing shirt)

INT. PARKING GARAGE

(A shadowy figure stands in the corner smoking a cigarette. KRAMER approaches him doing his best SAM SPADE impression)

VOICE

You Kramer?

KRAMER

Yeah. Yeah.

VOICE

What are you looking for? Information? Or something...else.

(The voice laughs. Sinister.)

KRAMER

Information.

VOICE

You got what I wanted?

KRAMER

Yeah. I've got it right here.

(KRAMER pats a paper bag)

VOICE

Slide it over.

(KRAMER slides the bag over. The man picks it up and looks inside. He laughs)

KRAMER

It's all there. You don't have to count it.

VOICE

I trust you.

KRAMER

Two veal with tomato sauce, one slice, green pepper and onions...

VOICE

I said I trust you!

(The man emerges from the shadows. We can now see it's NEWMAN)

KRAMER

So what've you got?

NEWMAN

You didn't get the biscotti.

KRAMER

They didn't have the biscotti. Now come on!

NEWMAN

All right. All right. I'll tell you what I know. Word has it that some outsider's coming in and grabbing clothes on the side, see. Yeah, some outsider. Don't know where she came from or who she is, but she's got quick hands. Fast. I saw her once, oh I didn't get a good look. But she was buying detergent from the vending machine. A 2-in-1.

(NEWMAN feigns someone pressing the buttons on a vending machine extremely quickly)

NEWMAN

One, two, three. Like that.

(NEWMAN snaps his fingers)

NEWMAN

Those buttons didn't have a chance.

INT. COFFEE SHOP (NOT MONKS)

ELAINE

That's a nice sweatshirt.

HELEN

Thank you.

ELAINE

Had it very long?

HELEN

Actually I have. Why?

ELAINE

Nothing. It's just...nice. Do you mind if I smell it?

HELEN

Smell it?

ELAINE

It's just that I have this thing for fabric. I don't know, it's kind of weird. Could I just...

(HELEN hands the sweater to ELAINE. She smells it)

ELAINE

Mmm. Do you use fabric softener?

HELEN

No. Never.

ELAINE

What about that new detergent they've got out now? The 2-in-1. That stuff is great. Do you ever use that?

HELEN

No. Just plain old soap flakes.

(ELAINE thrusts her finger in HELEN'S face)

ELAINE

All right. The jig is up.

HELEN

What are you talking about?

ELAINE

This isn't your sweater. You stole it from me this morning when we were doing laundry. It belongs to my friend, Jerry.

HELEN

It does?

ELAINE

YEAH

HELEN

Oh.

ELAINE

What do you mean, oh?

HELEN

It's just that I have another one just like it.

ELAINE

You do?

HELEN

It used to belong to my husband, God rest his soul.

ELAINE

Oh.

HELEN

Well if this one belongs to your friend then I'll just have to take it back.

ELAINE

I'm sorry I...stuck my finger in your face.

HELEN

It's all right, Elaine. John Cassavettes did the same thing once when I took him to the wrong floor...

(HELEN sticks her finger in her bowl and removes a long hair)

ELAINE

What? What's wrong?

HELEN

Look at this. A hair!

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY is sitting on the couch, watching TV. There is a knock on the door. JERRY answers it. It is two policemen. JERRY instantly starts panicking when he sees them

COP

Are you Jerry Seinfeld?

JERRY

Yes.

COP

You live here?

JERRY

Do you think I live here?

COP 2

We know you live here.

JERRY

Then, sure, I live here.

COP

We've been getting some reports that someone in the building's stealing laundry out of the machines downstairs. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that?

(JERRY calms down)

JERRY

Yeah. Actually my friend was doing my laundry this morning and she came back and one of my sweaters was missing.

COP

Your friend was doing your laundry?

JERRY

Yeah.

COP

Why was your friend doing your laundry? Do you pay her?

JERRY

No. No. It's a long story. We were downtown and we were looking for a parking place. And we were circling for like, 30 minutes. And finally I see this little, tight spot. And it's tiny. So I say I'm gonna go in. Well she bet me that I couldn't parallel park in that tiny spot. And I did. So she had to do my laundry.

COP

We're gonna have to talk to this friend.

JERRY

All right. Uh, she just called. Actually she should be here any minute. You know what, why don't you come in and wait.

COP

Really?

JERRY

Yeah, why not?

COP

Oh, it's just that most people don't invite us in.

JERRY

Well I've got nothing to hide.

(The cops both start laughing.)

JERRY

No, really. Nothing.

COP

Then maybe we'll take a look around.

JERRY

Be my guest.

(The cops enter JERRY'S apartment)

JERRY

Do you want anything to drink? I've got orange juice, milk, diet cola.

COP

Only diet?

JERRY

Yeah.

COP

I don't drink that stuff.

JERRY

So a laundry thief, huh? What kind of world do we live in?

COP 2

Tell me about it.

JERRY

One giant toilet-bowl.

COP 2

This is a nice place you've got here.

JERRY

Thanks.

COP 2

What's the rent?

JERRY

Oh, 950

COP 2

950!

JERRY

What?

COP 2

They're robbing you!

JERRY

Come on.

COP 2

We were in a place two blocks away yesterday...

COP

The Brisky place?

COP 2

Yeah. Double shooting. They had 3 bedrooms, two baths, paid 850.

JERRY

Well maybe I'll look into it.

COP 2

Well, it looks like they might pull through.

JERRY

Too bad.

(Buzzer sounds.)

BUZZER

It's George.

JERRY

Come on up.

COP 2

Is this the friend?

JERRY

No. Hey, you know I was in a cop car once.

COP 2

Yeah, what'd you do?

JERRY

Nothing.

COP

Right!

(Cops start laughing. Again.)

JERRY

No. I'm serious. I didn't do anything!

(GEORGE opens the door just a JERRY'S delivering this line. He hears JERRY say "I didn't do anything" and sees the cops. He turns and bolts)

COP

What was that?

JERRY

I don't know.

(Buzzer sounds again)

BUZZER (ELAINE'S VOICE)

It's me.

JERRY

Come up.

COP 2

Is this the one?

JERRY

Yeah, she should be up in a minute. The elevator's broken.

COP 2

So...

JERRY

Yeah...

(An awkward silence. ELAINE appears at the door, holding the sweater)

JERRY

My sweater!

ELAINE

I told you.

COP 2

Wait a minute.

JERRY

This is it. This is the sweater I was telling you about.

COP

Are you the friend?

ELAINE

The friend?

JERRY

They're looking into a big laundry theft ring. Big black market for used clothes. Matching socks, you know.

ELAINE

Oh.

COP

We've been getting reports of a woman, about your general description who's been working out of this building.

ELAINE

My description...Wait a second! Does the person you're looking for have grey hair?

COP 2

Yeah.

ELAINE

It's Helen. The elevator operator.

COP

Who?

ELAINE

This woman who used to be the elevator operator at my old building.

COP 2

A woman?

ELAINE

They can push the buttons too.

COP

All right. We're gonna have to ask you some questions.

(Enter KRAMER, tugging a kid behind him)

KRAMER

Solved!

JERRY

What are you doing?

KRAMER

I nabbed him Jerry. Oh, he was a slippery one but I got my hooks into him. (To the kid) Didn't I punk! Smell him! Come on smell him! 2-in-1!

JERRY

Kramer...

KRAMER

What's that?

JERRY

The sweater.

KRAMER

The sweater?

JERRY

Yeah. Elaine got it back.

KRAMER

Oh...So you were in on this the whole time! I knew it! It was the 2-in-1. No honest launderer would ever use a 2-in-1. It's an abomination. It's second class. I told you Jerry? Didn't I tell you.

ELAINE

It wasn't me you idiot. It was some woman who used to be the elevator operator at my old apartment.

KRAMER

A woman? They can't push the buttons.

COP

That's right.

KRAMER

Hey...

JERRY

Looks like you've got the wrong man

KID

I told you!

KRAMER

Oh yeah...(straightening out the kid's ruffled collar) No hard feelings, right...

(The kid kicks KRAMER in the shin and runs away)

KRAMER

So...Are you guys real cops?

COP2

Yeah.

KRAMER

Oh (a beat)

(KRAMER bolts out the door)

INT. ELEVATOR

GEORGE hurries into the elevator. HELEN is already standing inside, in the corner, angrily pressing the buttons. GEORGE points to the button pad on the wall.

GEORGE

Oh. "1" please.

(HELEN shoots him a stare)


End file.
